


You are the treasure at the foot of my rainbow

by Mimisempai



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Coming Out, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Fluff, M/M, Pride Month Barisi Challenge 2020
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:47:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24688633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimisempai/pseuds/Mimisempai
Summary: It only takes a few words on a screen for everything to be turned upside down, for what seemed impossible to become possible, for two souls to recognize each other.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 36
Kudos: 66
Collections: Barisi Pride 2020





	1. Black Coffee

  
  
  


  
  
It all started like an ordinary day. Well, what Sonny called an ordinary day.

As was often the case, he was at the police station before everyone else to take the time to go through his evening lessons and quietly prepare for the day ahead.

He liked to take the time to get into his day before the inevitable rush that would come, because crime never slept.

Not to mention, with his exams coming up soon, he preferred working on them in early in the morning, while his mind was still relatively rested.

The rest of the team would be here soon. He was putting his lessons away in his bag when his cell phone started vibrating.

He was a bit surprised to see that it was Barba sending him a message and couldn't help but feel the slight shiver of excitement that ran through him. He slid the screen to read the message…

_-Good morning Carisi. Do you have time to pick up some warrants ?  
_

Secretly looking forward to seeing the ADA, for purely professional reasons of course, Sonny hurried to answer.

_-Yeah, I’ll get coffee on my way. You want one ?_

The response was almost immediate.

_-Is the Pope catholic ? A black coffee, black as my soul…  
_

Sonny could not hold back a little laughter at the first part of the answer, which was immediately replaced by a slight veil of sadness as he read the second part. Giving in to this impulse in him, who wanted absolutely to comfort Barba and show him how much he esteemed him, he answered quickly, fingers flying on the phone

_-Hey Barba, don't say that about your soul !_

_I've seen more than one black soul in this job and I assure you it's not the color of yours._

Sonny could see the three dots dancing on the screen, which indicated Barba was responding

He kept the phone in his hand as he prepared to leave.

_-That’s kind of you to say, but sometimes the pressure of this job doesn't help me see the light even in me._

Sonny's heart tightened as he read this, touched by the vulnerability that Barba let him witness. But he understood what he meant. With all what they saw, all they had to carry in their respective jobs, it was sometimes hard to see beyond the darkness of the human soul. Sonny, with his optimistic view on humanity, preferred to focus on the light. This is what prompted him to write the next message.  
  
- _I’ll be right here with a cup of coffee that'll make you feel better._

He put on his jacket, wrote a little note to his colleagues explaining the reason for his absence, and added that he would bring them coffee.

Sonny was like that, he liked to please his family and the people close to him, and for him, his team (and secretly Barba) were like family and that meant among other good deeds, delivering coffee, Italian pastries and other sweets, babysitting Amanda’s girl, or cooking for the whole team at Liv.  
What people often took for a desire to be appreciated was just generosity, because Sonny's heart was made that way. This extraordinary empathy, which he had and which he himself was not always aware of, allowed him to know what people close or not close to him needed.That's how he got confessions from the most recalcitrant culprits where everyone else had failed. That's how sometimes he was able to change the course of an investigation because he had this vision of things that no one else had.  
  
No sooner had he walked through the door than his phone started vibrating again.

_-Don’t take too long flirting with Maria the barista, I have meetings scheduled._

Sonny wondered what the message meant. At first he thought it was to ease the tone of the conversation because the ADA thought he had said too much. To Sonny this message seemed unnecessary, but Barba never spoke to say anything.

Sonny didn't even dare to dwell on the idea that Barba might be remotely interested in his love life...after all, there was nothing to make him think that anything was possible.

But something inside him made him go all in... after all, as they say, only those who do nothing make no mistakes.

_-Oh please Rafael, if I were going to bat my eyelashes at someone, it would be the waiter…_

His thumb hovered hesitantly over the "Sending" button, he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and pressed firmly on the screen.

Almost immediately, he saw the word "read" appear below the message. His heart stopped for a short moment, before starting again, seeing an almost immediate response:

_-Oh…_

Even if it was by texting, he felt a certain pride at the idea of having made the ADA almost speechless and took advantage of this short moment to answer just as directly

_-At least now you know…_

He didn't expect the answer that followed almost instantly, as if Barba had been waiting for an opening…

_-…that we’re the same ?_

And now it was Sonny's turn to be speechless.

Like a robot, he entered the café, bought their drinks and left without noticing anyone, neither the barista nor the waiter...and it wasn't until he found himself in front of the door at 1 Place Hogan, that the reality of their exchange fell on him. And especially since he hadn't answered the last message.  
But what to answer and anyway he was there now, just a few steps away from the ADA's office.  
It was not like Barba to reveal himself like that, what did it mean? Did he want to return the favor so they'd be on an equal footing? Yeah, but then why? Up until now, he hadn't minded having the upper hand on all their verbal exchanges.  
His mind is full of questions, not knowing what to expect, Sonny walks through the door of Rafael's office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go, my very first fanfic, as Morpheus said : "There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." So I decided to walk the path without knowing the destination. Hope you'll enjoy the trip with me.  
> Thank you to sarahcakes613 for beeing such a wonderful betareader !  
> https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahcakes613/pseuds/sarahcakes613


	2. A wind of change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael's POV from the first chapter

It all started like an ordinary day. Well, what Rafael called an ordinary day. Following his daily routine, he liked to arrive in his office when the hallways were still deserted, it was a bubble of peace before chaos, because every day was a fight, and like in every war, each day had its share of victories and defeats. 

Rafael was hard on himself, and defeats weighed more heavily on him than victories. Those moments of peace in the morning made it possible for him to face all of that.

After going through his appointments and tasks of the day, he set to work, performing light paperworks that didn't require much thought, to still maintain the illusion of calm. He signed a few warrants for the Special Victim Unit that Liv had asked him to handle as a priority. 

He took his phone then went through his contact list. He wondered who to ask to come and get the warrants. His thumb scrolled down the alphabetical list and up, stopped over Carisi. Yes, he was going to ask him to come and get them, it would give him the opportunity to take his mind off things a bit.

He appreciate that the young detective was one of the few people who didn't take offense at his barbed comments and even didn't hesitate to answer them.

So he decided to send him the message, not trying to analyse that little feeling of excitement at the prospect of seeing Carisi.

_-Good morning Carisi. Do you have time to pick up some warrants ?_

The answer was almost immediate.

_-Yeah, I’ll get coffee on my way. You want one ?_

Okay, since Carisi was throwing him a line, Rafael surely, wasn't going to be shy about grabbing it. 

_-Is the Pope catholic ? A black coffee, black as my soul…_

Rafael didn't know what had gotten into him to write this, he realized that what he had thought was humor, was revealing a little too much about his mood. He hoped Carisi wouldn't dwell on it…

_-Hey Barba, don't say that about your soul ! I've seen more than one black soul in this job and I assure you it's not the color of yours._

It was without considering the young detective's perspicacity.

Rafael was good at guessing who people were, because he was always looking for their flaws. He could have defended himself by saying that it was a trait he had acquired because of his work. That it was a way of cracking the most recalcitrant culprits. But he knew deep down inside that it came from his childhood. It was an approach he had learned from an early age, whether it was anticipating the reactions of an abusive father or achieving the objectives he has set for himself.

Sonny, on the other hand, had this gift innately, a pure empathy that allowed him to feel the distress of those he met. And at that moment it seemed that this quality helped him to see beyond Rafael's wisecrack.

Lost in his reflections, Rafael took some time to answer.

_-That’s kind of you to say, but sometimes the pressure of this job doesn't help me see the light even in me._

Rafael didn't know he had suddenly revealed what he had in his heart at that moment, but something in Carisi drove him to sincerity, or maybe it was just because he hadn't yet put on his lawyer's shell, in any case he had just enough time to turn things over in his head that the younger detective had already answered him.

_-I’ll be right here with a cup of coffee that'll make you feel better._

Rafael couldn't help but have a slight smile on his lips… 

Typical of Carisi, in addition to the extraordinary empathy that Rafael had never received himself but had witnessed several times, he seemed to feel intrinsically what people needed from him. No platitudes, no false pity, just the offer of comfort. While the rest of the time the detective was often clumsy and very effusive, in those moments he showed an unsuspected delicacy. 

And Rafael had to admit, even if only to himself, that he was happy for once to be the one who benefited from this delicacy. 

This prompted him to restart the conversation, and to send a lighter message, because he didn't want their exchange to end.

_-Don’t take too long flirting with Maria the barista, I have meetings scheduled._

Maria was the coffee barista at the cafe on the way between the precinct and Rafael’s office. 

Just as Forlini's was their headquarters when it came to celebrating a victory or forgetting their defeat, the café was their headquarters for when they needed a caffeine fix. God knows that with the nature of their work, that was often the case. 

Rafael had gone there often with the squad, though he had never noticed one way or another if Carisi flirted with the woman. He was curious to see how Carisi would respond.

He saw the dancing dots on the screen indicating that the young man was answering, and he couldn't hide his excitement as he waited for the message to appear.

_-Oh please Rafael, if I were going to bat my eyelashes at someone, it would be the waiter…_

Oh...oh! And that's what he wrote to him.

_-Oh…_

The detective could boast of being one of the few people to have shut him up for a short time. But most of all he was blown away by Carisi's forthright answer. Once again he had caught the ball and returned it to him with even more force. That was something he could only admire. And he couldn't leave such courage without an answer, he had to return the favour. 

He was starting to type a reply when another message arrived:

_-At least now you know…_

He knew, in front of the vulnerability these few words revealed, that he had done well sending his answer right away.

_-…that we’re the same ?_

Leaning in his seat, his head back, he closed his eyes.

He didn't expect any answer, because the moment he had sent that message he was aware that for better or worse - he was hoping for better - he had changed things.

Of course, he didn't know what the future was going to be, but what he was sure of, that with this exchange of messages, he and Carisi had told each other more than in two years of working together. 

The fact that the detective didn't answer could mean all sorts of things, that he was shocked, that he didn't know how to react, that he was afraid, that he thought Rafael was making fun of him, but replaying the whole conversation in his head, Rafael started to hope that something was possible, that those few words exchanged would be the starting point of something new, something he had never known.

And for once, Rafael, who had always been in control of everything in his life, was surprised that he wanted to let himself be surprised by what would come.

Hearing a slight knock at the door, he opened his eyes. Seeing the long silhouette behind the glass, he sat up straight in his chair and barely raising his voice, he said :

"Come in."

The doorknob turned slowly, the door opened…

"Good morning, Rafael."

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to sarahcakes613 for beeing such a patient betareader!
> 
> Thank you all for all the comments and the kudos on the first chapter! It's really encouraging!  
> I am glad you have choose to make this journey with me!
> 
> How will Sonny and Rafael interact? Is this exchange really going to change the dynamic between them? The answers to these questions in the next chapter: Taking a Step


	3. Taking a step

“Good morning Rafael”

Sonny put the coffee on Rafael's desk and sat down in one of the armchairs in front of him.

“Thank you Carisi and good mor-”, Rafael made a short break. “Wait? Rafael? Since when?”

“Since now”, replied Sonny with an amused glow in his eyes. “After these messages, I would have a little trouble being formal, at least in private.”

Count on Carisi to get to the point.

“What makes you think we're going to see each other in private?” Rafael was a little surprised at the young detective's boldness.

“Nothing, except for right now.” retorted Sonny, “but you can't deny that it's just the two of us, so it could be considered to be seeing each other privately, and then...hum…”

For the first time since the young detective had walked through the door, he seemed to lose his confidence and became hesitant. But Rafael had no intention of letting go. The conversation was taking a turn far too interesting for that. He couldn't help but insist.

“And then...?” It was Rafael's turn to look at Sonny with an amused look.

The young detective took a deep breath and said in one go: “I don't see why we couldn't see more of each other in private.” 

Rafael raised an inquisitive eyebrow and answered: “Really? Just because of a few texts we should become best friends in the world?”

He knew he wasn't making it easy for Carisi, that his old self-defense reflexes were getting the better of him, but it was also a way for him to find out where Sonny stood. Maiby it seemed cruel of him, but if the young man was as Rafael thought he was, he knew he'd rise to the challenge.

Sonny didn't disappoint him: “Not the best friends in the world, but uh... maybe start by, um, going out for a drink somewhere together…”

“Yes? And for what reason?” Rafael couldn't help but corner the young detective. He had to admit he was very entertained to see what argument Carisi would use to counter it.

“Just talking about this and that, outside of the work context. Come on.” Carisi replied with an adorable pout. And no, Rafael did not just associate Sonny and adorable in the same sentence. Rafael had his pride, and he couldn't let it get to him so easily. 

“If you thought I'd be easily persuaded just because we've revealed our little secrets, then you were sadly mistaken.”

“Rafael” 

Rafael thought that Carisi was really strong minded and he let him go on.

“I'm well aware that you're far from being an easy person. But I'm not asking for anything difficult either, just going out for a drink tonight after work, it's completely harmless.”

Harmless, who was he trying to fool, Sonny thought, of course it wasn't harmless. 

This morning when he woke up the idea of something possible between him and Rafael seemed completely unthinkable to him.

But now he started to hope and that's why he was stubborn.

Even though it was tenuous and fragile, he felt something in the air. He could feel it in the way the ADA looked at him, in the way he acted even in the way he answered to him, there wasn't the same bite as before.

Rafael was happy to see that the detective didn't let himself be taken apart. Even more, that he stood up to him. 

He appreciated people who knew how to argue and who didn't let themselves be impressed by him.

In his job, there were two categories of manipulators he often met. The ones who buttered him up to get what they wanted and the ones who would do it to stab him in the back.

He had no doubt about Carisi though. One thing he was intimately sure of was that Carisi didn't belong in either category. On the other hand before he agreed with the young man, he wanted to test him one last time:

“Does that mean I have to call you Sonny?” 

“No, no, no obligation!” Carisi replied hastily. “I don't want you to feel obliged to do anything with me, ever.”

If Rafael still had doubts about the sincerity of the young detective, that answer would have erased them all.

Sonny - that's what he was really going to call him - made every effort from the beginning and Rafael knew that it was time for him to give something too.

“Sonny…”

The expression of surprise followed by the dazzling smile on the face of the younger man, just because Rafael had uttered his nickname, was the most beautiful of rewards.

Rafael had noticed that when Sonny introduced himself to new people, he always repeated the same sentence. "Dominick Carisi Jr, but you can call me Sonny." But of course, no one did. He himself always called him Carisi or detective. And he was Carisi to Liv and the rest of the team.

That’s why, seeing the gratitude in Sonny's eyes, Rafael realised something. The young detective didn't say that phrase out of politeness, he really wanted people to call him by his first name. Could it be that for him it meant bonding with the person in front of him ? Rafael didn't know, but he couldn't wait to find out. 

Internally, he promised himself that he would use this nickname whenever the situation would allow it.

“Rafael?” And he had to admit that he liked hearing his name in Sonny's mouth.

“I was gonna ask, Sonny”, said Rafael, “what do you say we go to The Sherwood tonight? We can meet there since it's halfway between here and the police station.”

“Hum... Really?” Sonny looked even more surprised.

“What? You don't want to go after all?” Rafael wondered if he would ever stop teasing the young man.

“Ah, uh, no. Yes, I do. But I wouldn't want to keep you waiting.”

“Just text me when you leave the station.”

“All right! All right!”

“Go, Detective, take these warrants with you and go to work!” He said, handing him the warrants.

“Oh? No more Sonny?” 

“You know the saying” replied Rafael with half a smile on his lips. “Too much of a good thing.”

“Ah? Is that a good thing?” Sonny asked in a light joking tone..

However, Rafael could see that behind Sonny's teasing innocence, there was also a slight element of insecurity. Something that few people were able to see.

Sonny was always very energetic and joyful. It gave an impression of self-confidence when you didn't look at it closely. But in two years Rafael had had time to realize that his "Am I right, counselor?" was more than just a way to display his legal knowledge. 

Rafael had long understood that Sonny really needed reassurance. 

That's why, over time, he had mellowed, and didn't hesitate to give his approval when it was deserved instead of the usual mockery.

He didn't keep the young detective waiting any longer, and said to him :

“Yes it is, Sonny. Come on! Let's get to work!”

“Have a nice day Rafael!” Sonny replied, returning to his usual energy.

“You too Sonny, you too.”

He watched Sonny close the door behind him with a fond gaze and a slight smile on his lips.

Sonny felt like he was walking on a cloud and barely dared to believe his luck.

He resisted the urge to write a message to Rafael to verify that it was all real.  
He didn't want to look like an idiot though, and after all, he had the warrants in his hands. That means he hadn't imagined anything.

Filled with impatience for tonight, he bought the coffees for the team and arrived at the precinct with a bounce in his step.

When he arrived, he greeted everyone and put the coffees on each of the desks.

“Good morning !”

“Hi Carisi” Amanda and Fin answered at the same time.

He sensed from their tense tone that the rest of the day wasn't going to be as smooth as the beginning. 

“What do we got?” 

Fin replied, darkly :“A 13-year-old victim, Jack Wilson. He plays for the New York City Whitecaps. They had a game this morning, but they lost after he missed a shot at the last second. His mother noticed he was bleeding in the parking lot and took him to the hospital right away.”

“Did someone talk to the doctor?” asked Sonny

“Yeah Liv. She said no doubt it was a sexual aggression and she wants you to meet her at the hospital.”

“Okay”, Sonny said as he stood up. “I'm on my way right now.”

Sonny already sensed that this was going to be a difficult case, as was often the case with children. 

They fought with equal force no matter who the victim was of course, but cases involving children always weighed more heavily on the team. 

As Sonny joined Liv at the hospital, he wondered if he would be able to have that drink with Rafael as planned.. But he quickly dispelled that thought. This was no time to be selfish. There was a victim who needed his full attention waiting for him.

He stepped on the gas to get to Liv as quickly as possible.

  
  



	4. The burden of guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is based on episode 11 of season 18.  
> I always wanted Rafael to be there to hear Sonny's story. So this chapter is more based on Sonny.

Sonny met Olivia at the hospital.

On the spot, she gave him a summary of the case as they went to join the child and his mother in one of the emergency rooms.

Olivia and Sonny tried to get him to confess who was responsible for his condition, but the boy stubb refused to tell them anything. The arrival of the father with the coach and his son, taught them only that the two boys were best friends.

As they returned to the precinct together in order to proceed with the investigation, it was quiet in the car.

Usually when Carisi was there, there wasn't a moment of silence. 

Olivia thought it might have been the fact that a child was the victim. That it was weighing on him.

There was one thing Carisi could never be blamed for, that was not getting involved in his work.

Olivia had been skeptical at first, when he came into the unit. However, Carisi had taken apart all the prejudices about himself point by point.

He brought a breath of fresh air into the precinct. 

Of course there was his permanent good mood, which made him often the target of mockery but also allowed everyone to approach their work with more lightness.

More than that though, there was this empathy he felt for everyone he met, especially the victims, event though it caused him to lose sight of his own interests sometimes and neglect his well-being. He had a tendency to embrace the victim's suffering while forgetting himself.

That's why she was a little worried that he hadn't said a word since they left the hospital.

"Is everything all right, Carisi?" she asked him.

The detective didn't answer. She gently put her hand on his arm, not wanting to startle him while he was driving. 

"Hm? Ah...er...Yeah yeah, I'm fine." he said, "Sorry, I was concentrating on the traffic."

Olivia wasn't convinced but figured Carisi would tell her if something was really wrong. She didn't insist.

Sonny, on the other hand, struggled with his emotions threatening to overwhelm him and did everything he could to contain them. This case hit too close to home. This boy, his stubbornness in not saying the name of his attacker reminded him too much of a little boy hidden deep inside of him. He pulled himself together by admonishing himself : _Stop Sonny! It's all in the past, focus on the case now!_

During the time he was lost in his thoughts, they had arrived at the precinct and Olivia had begun to divide up the tasks. They went out to interview potential witnesses until lunchtime and came back empty-handed. 

Dinner with Rafael seemed to be getting further and further away.

He hesitated for a moment, and finally took out his phone.

_-Hey Rafael. I'm sorry but I think I need to cancel tonight._

He couldn't wait for an answer because Amanda arrived with a video that gave a new twist to the case. They had suspects.

After the interrogations, it turned out that the instigator of the assault was the coach's son. The best friend of the victim.

On the way to the presumed perpetrator's house, Sonny looked at his phone and saw that Rafael had answered.

_-You think or you're sure? For what reason?_

_-The current case... it's likely to last_

_-Liv told me about it. The young hockey player?_

_-Yeah, I don't know if I can make it on time._

_-It's only 12:00. There is still time._

_-I don't want to keep you waiting for nothing._

_-I'll come and meet you. I don't mind waiting for you._

Sonny was surprised at how much effort Rafael was willing to put into their date…when he received a second message

_-And before you play your brave knight, when was the last time you saw me do something against my will?_

_-Okay._ Sonny smiled slightly

_-See you tonight._

The thought of seeing Rafael tonight gave him some energy. 

They took the boy away, but the father came very quickly and they had to release him for lack of evidence.

Their last resort was Jack, the victim, and they went back to question him. The boy finally confessed that the culprit was his friend Kyle, the coach's son.

In the course of their investigation, they realized that the coach was very violent and that he had unhealthy authority over his sons, particularly over Kyle himself.  
Unfortunately, when the victim died suddenly, they were forced to arrest Kyle for murder.

  
The boy was now in the interrogation room and had confessed that his father forced him to do this. But Kyle refused to testify against him, and Sonny felt deep down inside that it was up to him to convince him.

He took a quick look at his watch. Rafael was going to be here soon. He took a deep breath and entered the interrogation room with Olivia and sat down in front of the boy. The young man still refused to testify against his father because he didn't want him to get into trouble.

Sonny started talking.

Meanwhile Rafael had arrived at the precinct. Seeing no one in the main hall, he went to the room next to the interrogation room where Amanda and Fin were already watching the interrogation. He deduced that Olivia and Sonny were on the other side. He positioned himself next to Amanda to observe as well.

"You know Kyle, when I first saw Jack in his hospital bed, I was pretty pissed off," said Sonny to the boy.

Rafael thought he would have liked to have seen that. When Sonny was pissed off, he liked the fact that his accent came out and that he started talking with his hands.

But Sonny went on: "Because at that moment, Jack reminded me of me…You know, I used to be the weak kid."

Rafael recognized there a tactic specific to interrogators, preaching the false in order to know the true. Sonny was particularly good at it.

"The guys in the neighborhood were looking for me every day," Sonny continued. "There was this boy, Bobby Bianchi."

Something wasn't right. Sonny's tone, his whole attitude, it was like every word that was being spoken was being ripped out of him. Rafael had a bad feeling. What if...

"One day we were at school, he grabbed me by the hair and pushed my head through a window." Sonny seemed visibly affected as he told this story.

The young boy interrupted him: "It must have hurt?"

Sonny answered: "I was bleeding, I was cut everywhere." Rafael saw from Olivia's attitude that she too had understood that it was not a lie to deceive the young boy but a true story.

"My head teacher asked me what happened.” Sonny kept on. “I could have put an end to it. Right then all I had to do was say Bobby's name. But I didn't, because I didn't want Bobby to get in trouble."

And there Rafael could see it, the stubbornness of a boy who would rather take all the pain than put the guilt on someone who wasn't even his friend.

"Did he get away with it?" asked the boy. Rafael also wanted to know. 

"That’s right. No one ever knew what happened." Sonny took a break. Rafael could see all the tension in the young detective. 

"Do you know where Bobby is now?" Sonny asked. Then he immediately resumed, answering the question himself. "He's in Sing Sing for stabbing a man to death in a bar brawl."

At this moment, Rafael understood where Sonny was going with his story. His admiration for the young man grew by a notch. 

Sonny continued: "And I always thought, what if I had said something... If I'd done something, maybe... that guy would still be alive." 

The emotion visible on Sonny's face made Rafael's heart tighten.

After a moment of silence, Sonny continued:

"I missed my shot, Kyle. Not a day goes by that I don't regret it. But this is your shot. Right now." 

Sonny stood up, letting Olivia finish, having seen in the boy's eyes that he had convinced him.

He walked out of the room and found himself facing Fin and Amanda:

"Nice story, man. I didn't know you could be so quick on your feet."

Sonny just answered: "You’ve got to do what you have to do" 

He passed them and came face to face with Rafael.

"Rafael, I..." he whispered, shaking his head.

"Sonny, it was true, wasn't it? It really happened to you, hm?" Rafael murmured.

Sonny looked at him, just nodding, his eyes saying it all. He took off his jacket, turned around and said softly, "I'm sorry." And left.

Rafael watched him leave, at first distraught and not knowing how to hold Sonny back.

After a few words of apology for Fin and Amanda, he hurried off.

It was time for him to take things into his own hands...

_________  
  


Sonny went back to his apartment, threw the keys and his things into a corner. He didn’t turn on the light and sat on his sofa with his head in his hands and stayed like that for a fex very long moments.

He was awakened from his torpor by the ringing of the doorbell. He wondered who it could be. He walked unenthusiastically to the door...and looked through the peephole. 

He froze with surprise. It was Rafael who said:

"Sonny, I know you're in there, so open the door and let me in!"

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Promise there'll be more interaction between the two of them in the next one.
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and kudos. It's such an encouragement !


	5. Sharing the burden

“Sonny, I know you're in there, so open the door and let me in!”

He heard a few footsteps and then the sound of keys turning in the door that opened slowly.

Sonny was in front of him, still in his daytime clothes. He hadn't bothered to turn on the light, even though it had been dark outside for a long time.

“You let me in or we'll talk on the doorstep?”

Sonny simply pushed himself to the side to let Rafael in. His whole attitude screamed out the state he was in. The spark that usually ignited his gaze was completely absent. He, so big, seemed to have become smaller, as if he wanted to hide from the world.

Rafael watched him close the door and turn on the light. Then Sonny turned around and looked at him interrogatively.

“Why are you here, Rafael?” Even the tone of his voice betrayed his despondency.

“Because you didn't cancel our date and because you need it” Rafael simply replied.

“I won't be very joyful company.”

“If I needed entertainment, I would have gone to the theatre, there's a great play about a chef who cooks for real on stage. But things being as they are, tonight I'm the one who will cook dinner in your kitchen.”

“Huh?” Sonny felt a little like he was in a parallel universe. “Who are you and what have you done with Rafael Barba?”

Rafael laughed a little and said: 

“Oh, don't worry, he's right here. This is Rafael and he's telling you to go take a shower, change your clothes to make yourself comfortable and when you come back dinner will be ready.”

Sonny still stood in surprise.

“Come on, come on, do as I tell you,” Rafael said to him with that half smile that was his trademark.

Sonny was used to being the person in charge in his family. It wasn't because he was the only boy, and he wasn't the oldest either. It was just in his nature. So he didn't know how to deal with Rafael taking care of everything.

However, the idea of putting everything into someone else's hands and not caring about anything was more than tempting.

“Still here?” Rafael's voice drew him out of his torpor and he walked to the bathroom...

Once Sonny was gone, Rafael had started to warm up the Ajiaco he had brought back. It was one of the few recipes his grandmother had taught him to cook.

He made it often and a lot because it was quickly reheated, and he liked to enjoy it after a long day's work. That's why he had picked it up quickly at his house before coming to Sonny's house.

He thought back to the events as he heard the sound of the shower in the distance. He had surprised himself a bit by wanting to help the younger detective so much, even though they hadn't even had their first date, so to speak. 

What was certain was that today's events had confirmed his opinion of Sonny and his growing affection for him.

Hearing the sound of the shower stop, he came out of his daydream. The familiar smell of his Abuelita's soup was in the air. He heard a door close and muffled footsteps approaching.

“Hmm smells good.”

Rafael looked up. Sonny had put on sweatpants and a more than faded t-shirt. He was barefoot and finished drying his hair on the doorway.

“Wait till you try it.” Rafael told him. “Sit down, I'll bring everything to the table.”

It was like the shower had drained all the energy out of Sonny. He obeyed Rafael without objection and went to sit at the table. Rafael joined him with two bowls of steaming soup. After placing one in front of Sonny, he sat down on the opposite side.

Sonny looked at him in a daze.

“Eat,” Rafael said, sliding a spoon towards Sonny. The younger man took a spoonful of soup and blew on it to cool it down before bringing it to his mouth.

He was surprised by all the flavours that exploded in his mouth and closed his eyes to savour the taste.

“It's really delicious. I didn't know you could cook.”

“There's still so much you don't know about me.” Rafael replied with a smirk on his face.

“I hope I can find it out,” Sonny said softly, “I'm sor-”

“Stop apologizing!”, Rafael cut him off. “You have no reason to! Eat and we’ll talk later!”

They continued to eat in silence, the calm only interrupted by the spoons’ clatterings.

Once finished, Rafael cleared the table. Sonny felt a little embarrassed, but he didn't have the strength to decide anything. 

Rafael came back to him and just said, “Come on, let's go sit over there,” showing him the couch. 

He let Sonny sit down. The younger detective sat with his legs spread apart, put his elbows on his knees and held his head in his hands. A true picture of dejection.

Rafael sat down next to him, put his arm behind him without touching Sonny.

He simply said in a soft voice, “Sonny, talk to me.”

There was another long moment of silence.

“You...you know, he had a 6-year-old daughter and a boy who was just born…” Sonny started. “He'd just gone out for a drink with some friends on his way home from work to celebrate his newborn.”

Rafael understood immediately who Sonny was talking about and his heart tightened as he heard the pain in his voice.

Sonny continued: “He laughed a little loudly and just shoved Bobby around bringing the beers to his colleagues. That was enough to trigger his anger. When Bobby was angry, he was so strong... I know it... so strong.”

Rafael didn't intervene, he felt he had to let Sonny speak.

“I...If...If only I had spoken. If I had confessed that it was him who did that to me. But I didn't have Jack's courage. I stupidly kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to get him in trouble. And for what ?! For what ?! So that in the end, a father never sees his kids grow up, a baby never knows his father! All I had to do was talk!”

At that moment Rafael knew that it was up to him to speak. 

“Sonny! Stop! Listen to me! Listen to me! Let's try to become rational again! Let's say you talked and your parents filed a complaint, okay?”

Sonny interrupted him: “I'm not one of your cases. Don't-”

Rafael cut him off again: “But knowing you, I think that…”

Sonny said, “That's the thing, you don't know me!”

“But I want to know you if you let me! So listen to me, will you?” 

Sonny leaned his head back and closed his eyes, arms at his sides. Rafael took the opportunity to slide his own hand into his. Sonny tightened his fingers around his with so much strength, as if he was afraid Rafael would pull his hand back.

Rafael resumed what he was saying.

“Let's say you talked and your parents filed a complaint. What would have happened? I'm asking you as an experienced police officer with a recent law degree.”

Sonny seemed to think for a moment and said, “Juvenile Court.”

“So? Think about your experience, what you've already seen in your work.” 

Sonny answered: “Since it was the first time, at best, his parents would've had to pay for my treatment, maybe he would've had anger management classes, at worst juvenile detention center I see where you're going with this, Rafael. But maybe it would have helped him change.”

Rafael said, “As you say maybe, but maybe not. And now look on the victim's side. What were you, 11 years old? I think you were incredibly brave not to say anything, to keep it to yourself. It wasn't cowardice. You said it yourself to Kyle, you didn't want Bobby to get into trouble. That says so much about your character!”

Sonny straightened up and looked at him with bright eyes. 

“Sonny, believe me, I know a lot about guilt, and I'm afraid the moment I tell you about it. To be guilty if you take the basic definition of the word: it means to be at fault, to have done something wrong, so to me here, you're not guilty. I understand that you bear the responsibility though. So I want you to do something for me.”

Sonny looked at him questioningly, a trembling gleam in his eyes. 

Rafael said, “I want you to start forgiving yourself. Talk to the eleven years old little boy inside you and tell him that he did what he could. He was brave, nothing was his fault.”

Rafael delicately placed his hand on the side of Sonny's face and moved closer to him. Looking directly into his eyes, he said slowly: “You were brave. It was not your fault.”

Then Rafael tilted his head forward and their lips brushed. Sonny’s lips did not resist while Rafael's mouth covered them. For a short moment it was hesitant, and then Sonny seemed to let himself go against Rafael, and let him take the lead. Then, he stepped aside to look at Rafael for a short moment and buried his face in his neck. Rafael put his arms around Sonny, and feeling a wetness in his neck, he tightened his embrace and whispered:

“Oh Sonny... it's going to be okay. It was not your fault.”

He repeated it again and again until he felt Sonny calm down. Then Sonny straightened up again, but didn't move away. They rearranged themselves on the sofa, Rafael his arm around Sonny's shoulders, stroking his hair sporadically, Sonny leaning against him.

Sonny started talking again : “What a great first date, huh?” he said ironically.

To which Rafael replied, “A good meal, emotion and a kiss, isn't that nice?”

Then he resumed, deciding to be honest: “You know Sonny, you don't have to impress me. This date, it's not a favor I was doing you. Even though I was having fun being almost begged to, I really wanted to have this date with you. So just be yourself. I don't need someone perfect.”

“And here I thought you were all about perfection,” Sonny joked slightly.

“I'm serious.” Rafael said, pulling Sonny’s ear, “The fact that we shared that intense moment on our first date instead of joking over a meal at a fancy restaurant is far more valuable to me.”

He picked up again: “Sonny, you've shown me your flaws. You cannot imagine the gift that it is. Thank you for your trust. I really hope I'm worthy of it. And yes, maybe we're moving a little fast, but there's no code for relationships. We've known each other for more than 4 years, so in the end it's not that fast, is it?”

Sonny looked up at Rafael, diving directly in his eyes, scrutinizing for any trace of a lie, as if he couldn't believe him. He seemed reassured by what he saw there and took his place back on Rafael's shoulder. He exhaled a long sigh, draining all remains of sadness and punctuated by the hypnotic movement of Rafael's hand in his hair, he fell asleep.

  
  
  
  



	6. Trouble never sleeps

Sonny woke up with a slight headache but a feeling of lightness. As if a weight that he had not been aware of had been removed from his shoulders. Of course, he wouldn't get rid of the guilt so easily, but the fact that he had been able to share it with Rafael and be totally understood by him had been liberating.

It was then that he realized he was alone, lying on the couch and covered with a light blanket. He straightened up slightly to look at the time on the wall clock in front of him: 6 a.m.! He had slept for 7 hours, something he hadn't done in years. He wondered what time Rafael had left. 

He felt a little embarrassed thinking back to the last evening events, but at the same time he felt a warm feeling as he looked back at everything that had happened.

Sitting on the couch, he saw a piece of paper on the coffee table. He sat down and grabbed it.

_ Sonny, don't panic if you wake up late, I warned Liv that you might be late. Don't worry, I just told her we had a drink together and that you weren't feeling well when you got home.  _

_ If you're awake before 7 am, come by my office and if not, meet me there at 12 pm (in both cases bring coffee!!!). _

_ Take care. _

_ Rafael. _

Sightly smiling, Sonny repeatedly stroked his thumb over the name.

Then he got up quickly, went to the bathroom to freshen up. He got dressed, took the time to make sure his outfit could be to Rafael's liking. His conclusion was that he really should restock his ties when he has time.

He quickly took a pill for his headache and a glass of water. He picked up his keys and left his apartment. On the way he stopped to buy some coffee and headed towards 1 Hogan Place. 

When he arrived near Rafael's office, the feeling of embarrassment he had felt earlier reappeared. He entered Carmen's office.

He greeted her while putting a coffee on her desk : "Hello Carmen!".

"Good morning, Detective," she replied with half a smile. "You can come in without fear, he's in a great mood. Something good must have happened."

Carmen was his barometer of Rafael's moods, and that had repeatedly allowed him to disarm a tense situation, informing him of Rafael's mood before he went into his office.

He couldn't help but hope that he was the one who had put Rafael in such a good mood.

He knocked lightly and entered the office.

Rafael raised his head when he heard the door opening.

"Good morning, detective."

“Good morning counselor" Sonny understood for the moment they had to keep the formalities because the door was not closed.

He put the coffees on the desk, and went to close the door. When he turned around, Rafael was only a few inches away from him. Before he could say anything, Rafael had grabbed the collar of his jacket to draw him to himself. He didn't have time to react because Rafael had put his lips on his own. And Sonny couldn't think about anything else.

His arms naturally closed around Rafael.

His mouth opened to Rafael at the first lick. Sonny tasted the sweet, black espresso Rafael had probably just drunk, and something dark and irresistible that was Rafael’s own. Sonny sensed that he was already becoming addicted to that taste and tightened his embrace as if he was afraid Rafael would already pull away.

But Rafael, as if in response to Sonny's movement, put his hands behind his head and kissed him even more deeply. 

The two men finally moved apart to catch their breath without letting go of their embrace. 

"Reassured?" asked Rafael, a smile on his lips.

"Hm?" replied Sonny, still a little stunned by what had just happened. "Reassured of what?"

"Come on, Sonny, I know you, I'm sure that from your apartment to here, you must have wondered how to behave when you arrived, felt embarrassed, in short, all sorts of crazy ideas must have gone through your head. So I figured the best way to erase what was in your head was to kiss you."

"Oh, I see, so that kiss was just to reassure me?" Sonny replied, half in earnest, half in jest.

"A little, but also because I missed you and because I wanted to," Rafael replied sincerely.

Sonny could only return the favour, reigniting the fire that Rafael had begun to light a few moments ago.

But before they both let themselves be carried away by the passion that seemed to have been released, Rafael ended the kiss and stepped back a little. 

"Although it's more than pleasant, we'd better stop...for now," said Rafael.

He tidied up the collar of Sonny's jacket that he had grabbed during their kiss and then took his hand and led him to the couch and sat down next to him.

"Seriously, how are you?" he asked Sonny gently, looking at his face.

"I'm fine," Sonny replied, clearing his voice, a little disconcerted by Rafael's change of attitude.

Rafael looked at him with a dubious look, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes really. I know I'm not going to get rid of the guilt in one fell swoop. But I'm starting to forgive myself," Sonny answered frankly, looking Rafael straight in the eye.

"It's gonna be a long road, but you made the right choice." Rafael took his hand, paused before continuing: "Sonny, before we continue, I really want you to tell me that you are sure of yourself. I feel it's moving pretty fast between us and I'd like to make sure we're on the same page."

Sonny squeezed Rafael's hand back and said, "We're on the same page. Rest assured."

After a smile of contentment, Rafael stood up and said, "Good, detective, it's time for you to go arrest the bad guys and for me to do what I have to do to give them the fate they deserve." 

Sonny got up in turn. While Rafael went back to sit at his desk, he finished his coffee and threw away the empty cup. 

He hesitated for a moment, finally leaning over Rafael and quickly kissed him on the lips.

"See you later," he said as he walked away.

"Don't doubt it detective" replied Rafael and without turning around to look at him, Sonny felt the smile in his voice.

He closed the door, said goodbye to Carmen and walked lightly towards the precinct.

He could hardly believe that it had only been 24 hours since the text exchange that started it all. And even though he felt a bit overwhelmed by the speed at which things were happening between him and Rafael, he felt it was right. 

He picked up coffee for everyone on the way and entered the precinct. He saw that Olivia had already arrived. He put Amanda and Fin's coffees on their respective desks and went to join her with her coffee and his own in her office.

"Good morning Lieutenant!" he said as he handed her the coffee.

"Good morning Carisi," she replied, "I see you're finally doing well, and you're even early."

"Yes, yes, it was just tiredness." he tried to answer without blushing. 

"You know, after the difficulty of that last case, I could have understood" Olivia said understandingly. "Plus you did a hell of a job with young Kyle. Thanks to you, we were able to arrest the father. And the boy is doing just fine."

"I'm glad," Sonny said, a little embarrassed, because he felt Olivia had seen right through him. He quickly changed the subject though: "So? What's the case of the day?"

Olivia wasn't fooled, but she didn't insist.

"Let's wait till Fin and Amanda get here so I don't have to repeat myself."

___________

  
  


They had been investigating a rapist and serial killer for several days now, whose last murder appeared to be that of a copycat. 

The search led them to the creator of an application that collected and analyzed all kinds of datas. He was the victim's boss and her ex-boyfriend. 

It seemed that every time they took one step forward in this investigation, they would then take two steps back. 

But what upset Sonny the most was that he hadn't seen Rafael since they last met at his office.

Oh, they had exchanged a few text messages, but every time Sonny directed the discussion to their relationship or offered to call him, Rafael would cut it short or change the subject. And both times he came by the ADA's office, Rafael was absent. 

Sonny felt that something was wrong, but he didn't want to appear insistent or clingy. Especially since they hadn't promised each other anything yet.

He pulled himself together and concentrated on the meeting in progress.

"...recused himself. »

"Who?" Sonny asked, realizing that he had missed something.

"Thank you, Detective Carisi for coming back to us. " Olivia said ironically.

"Excuse me, Lieutenant," Sonny said sheepishly.

"So, as I was saying, Barba recused himself. »

"What?! But why?" In shock, Sonny tried in vain to remain calm while a thousand questions were rushing through his mind.

"Unfortunately, Carisi, I'm not allowed to talk about it. " Liv looked at him with a look of commiseration.

The rest of the meeting passed as fog for Sonny, who was trying to understand.

At the end he apologized, arguing that he had an urgent errand to run, and went to a restroom that he knew was deserted. He dialed Rafael's number several times, but each time he got his voicemail.

He left a message, trying not to sound too desperate, and then sent a last text.

- _ Rafael, are you all right? You know that you can text or call me whenever you want? _

Then he hesitated before continuing.

- _ I don't know what's going on, but whatever it is, take care of yourself. _

Just when he wasn't expecting an answer, his phone vibrated. It was a call, he picked up.

_ "Hi Sonny. I can't talk to you about this. Not right now anyway. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."  _

_ "It's okay Rafael, please don't be sorry. Just take care of yourself" _

_ "Thanks, Sonny. I don't deserve you…" _

And he hung up.

After that exchange, Sonny felt even more unsettled. He sensed something big, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

So he did what he did best in such a situation, he immersed himself in work.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think, what touched you or not, what made you laugh or not, what made you cry or not. Whether it's here or on twitter.


End file.
